Taking a Step Back

You have probably heard the phrase “It’s Okay to Not Be Okay” especially if you have taken the time to read my silly little blog post.

Personally, I have not only heard this phrase but I have preached this phrase and will continue to do so. With that being said, it wasn’t until recently that I have rediscovered its true meaning.

This past semester, the first semester of my sophomore year, has proven to be a lot more challenging than anticipated. I came to school ready to learn and excited for a new year, a new semester, and a new season. College is supposed to be the best four years of your life, they say.

Unfortunately, this has not necessarily been the case for me. And that is SOOO OKAY!!!!!!!! Let's normalize doing life at our own pace. Don't compare your chapter 1 to someone else's chapter 20. You do you and I'll do me.

With that being I have not lost sight of the beautiful moments I have experienced, the numerous new things I have learned, and the lifelong friendships I have created. You can’t know the good without the bad.

These past few months have shown me that even when life gets really really hard and you feel like you can’t do it anymore, you can and you will.

During my field hockey season was when I really started to notice my struggles. The sport I have always loved became a chore. I would wake up and worry so much about having to go to practice all day because I was struggling to find the energy needed to not only be a college athlete but to be a functioning and happy human being. I have never been someone who really struggled to get out of bed in the morning until this year. As the season went on and the school year continued I found myself hiding in isolation. I struggled to find the motivation to do just about anything and thought I couldn’t get myself through the semester.

With the support of my family, best friends, coaches, and teachers – I did it regardless of the voices in my head telling me that I couldn’t keep going (I still have finals next week but fingers crossed it all goes well!)

If you have struggled with an eating disorder or disordered eating, you know that when other things in life happen, coping with food and restriction is a very easy thing to control. Soon enough, I found myself struggling with food again. Eating disorders have the highest relapse rate and yet they are so stigmatized.

So I am here to tell you (and remind myself) that it’s okay if you are having a hard time. Identifying that you are struggling is step one of the battle.

I am Mary. I am Mo. I am not my eating disorder. I am not my depression. I am not my anxiety. I am not a number on the scale. I am not my sport. I am not what I look like.

I am Mary. I am Mo. I am strong and capable of healing. I am an advocate for those who struggle with their mental health. I am a friend, a sister, a daughter, a teammate. I am obsessed with the littlest most mundane things. I am a big heart with so much love to give the world. I am passionate. I am silly. I am a vulnerable human that wants to help others in any way I can.

I am a leader and right now that looks like taking a break.

I have made the decision that I need to take a step back next semester. This wasn't an easy decision and was one that I sat on for a while, but now that I have made my decision to take an academic leave next semester, I will not look back.

Something that I have talked about with many different people is the idea of there always being other options. This is something that needs to be spoken about more often. There are always going to be so many things you can do. Worrying about not making the right decision after the fact is not going to serve you! I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and at the right time. You can not make a decision because of someone else or for someone else. You need to make the right decision for you!!!

I decided to not let FOMO or negative outside judgements hold me back. I decided that it is time for me to truly heal. To get to the root of my suffering and to meet a new version of myself that genuinely feels good in her own skin.

I have spoken about comparison before and it is something that weighs heavy on my heart because it is something that has consumed my thoughts since I can first remember. Comparison truly is the thief of joy – at all walks of life. There is always going to be someone prettier, smarter, thinner, wealthier, cooler, funnier, more hard working, more talented than you. And you know what – THAT'S OKAY! We were all created exactly how we are for a reason. There is no one else on this earth that is you and that is so beautiful.

UGH life is hard. It really is and yet it is way too normalized to suffer so much. Because even though life is hard and no matter what happens we are always going to have hard days and hard moments, we really do have the power to take care of ourselves and focus on what is best for each one of us as our own unique individual selves.

Constantly having a little device in our hand and being able to see what everyone else is doing is hard. Comparing your body, what you eat, what you wear, your grades, your athleticism, your career, your goals, your financial stability, your routine, your life to others is not going to do anything for you except put you in a cycle of negative self talk.

I say all of this because it is what I struggle with so much. I compare myself way too often and much more than I am willing to admit. I feel like my brain is never shut off and my self talk is more negative than not.

I have gotten to the point that enough is enough and I want to change. Even though my brain tells me that I am “not sick enough” or that people have it so much worse than me or that I am weird and weak for not being able to get through four years of college consistently.

I am taking back control of my life and reminding myself that I know me best. I deserve to treat my mind, body, and soul much better than I am right now.

I encourage you to be aware of the way you talk to yourself. Be aware of how much you compare yourself. I encourage you to take breaks and to let yourself live the life you were meant to live.

God didn’t make a mistake creating you. You are special. You are loved. You are enough. Just as you are.

Writing and creating has always been an outlet for me throughout my recovery. I have been neglecting that but I am ready to share this new chapter of my healing journey and am so happy you are here.

XO,

Mo