Life is Meant to be Lived

Stop surviving a start thriving. You life is meant to be enjoyed.

I am a deep thinker. Recently, I have been having a hard time living presently and enjoying each experience I encounter to its potential. At the root of this is restriction. Restriction can mean so many things. When I think of the word restriction I used to only think about my food intake as I was in the depths of my eating disorder. Now, I not only think of restriction in terms of food but -- restricting my life for other people or the way I feel like I "should" be living my life. Life becomes dull when you restrict yourself. I am going to share my own experiences with restriction and how I am working to heal my relationship with food, exercise, my social life, God, school, sports, and my body in hopes of cultivating a fuller life for myself and inspiring you to do the same.

Restriction with food: When I was in the midst of my eating disorder I never wanted to do anything. I never had the energy to experience life!!! My mind was constantly occupied with what I was going to eat next, how much I would allow myself to eat, or the guilt I was sitting with. I realized that not allowing myself to eat what I wanted was making me suffer. I never wanted to go out to eat with my family, go on ice cream dates with my friends, or enjoy food at all. I was missing out on life and FOR WHAT. I was chasing a smaller body because I did not feel worthy to take up the space my body naturally wanted to obtain. How sad is that :( Anytime I want to fall back into my disordered eating habits, I remind myself that life is so much more than controlling what I eat in order to make myself smaller. I was the most miserable when I was at my lowest weight. This is proof that shrinking yourself will not make you happy -- if anything, it does the opposite!!! You deserve to fuel your body and eat the foods you love.

Restriction with exercise: Exercise is something that I still struggle with to this day. It can be really hard to be constantly consumed with thoughts of needing to workout. It all stems from intention. I used to view working out as a way to punish myself or a means of making myself look a certain way. Now, I view it as a way to celebrate my body. I move my body because I am able to and it makes me feel so good. At the end of the day, moving your body should not keep you from doing other things that you love. It is okay to sleep in and skip your morning run because your body is asking for it. It is okay if you don't have time to get in movement because you are working and have fun plans at night! It is okay if you only have time for a 15 minute sweat. Not every workout has to be some crazy high intense workout. Moving your body in a way that feels good to you and causes the least amount of added pressure to your day is how exercise is meant to be. Stop feeling like you "should" do something because you need to. Stop comparing yourself to other people. Stop letting your watch tell you how many steps you need to take or calories you need to burn. You know your body best, so listen to it.

Restriction with social life: For those of you who know me may not think that I struggle with social anxiety, but it is something I deal with everyday. I love my alone time, however, isolating myself for long periods of time can be really detrimental to my mental health. I am making an effort to find my personal balance with my social life and alone time. This is something that takes time to discover especially in college. Most nights I like to go to bed at 9pm and spend my nights alone. I am learning that there is nothing wrong with living life the way I want to truly live it. With that being said, some nights I need the extra push to do something even if it is small. Like I say with everyday, actions all stem from intention. If my intention of not going out has to do with my body, food, or exercise -- then I am going to really try to push myself to seek discomfort and push past my disordered thoughts. If my intention of not going out has to do with simply doing what makes me happy and at peace -- then I am going to listen to my heart and my body and stay in :) Personally, the way I like to live my life doesn't align with the traditional college lifestyle. It has taken me a while to come to terms with this and accept this part of my life, but I am learning to find the beauty of living my life how I want to live it rather than how I feel like I "should" be living it.

Restriction with faith: My relationship with God has been something instilled in me since I was a little girl. When I am far from God, I notice it in my day to day life. Since coming to college I have come to terms with the fact that my faith is entirely in my hands and it is up to me to prioritize it. I used to restrict cit my faith in many ways. This may sound strange -- but it is and was true for me. Sometimes I feel judged by other people for being so invested in my relationship with God (whatever your God may be!) I would feel embarrassed that people would think I was weird and would try to hide my prayer journal or devotional and would not go to mass every Sunday. I was scared of sharing how I feel about my faith because I feel like it wouldn't be relatable. At the end of the day my relationship with God will always be part of who I am and I will not give it up for anything, even when times get hard. My journey in life is not to be relatable, but rather real. So, this is me! I love God with my whole heart. In complete honesty, there are times that I question my faith and God's plan for me, however, I know I am never alone because He is always by my side.

Restriction with school and sports: School and field hockey are two things that consume the majority of my days at this phase of my life. Sometimes, I get so caught up in the outcome or my performance that I forget about my WHY. For me it is school and field hockey -- for you it could be work or anything of the sorts. I say this because it is so easy to get caught in the cycle of getting through each day rather than living each day to its fullest. I GET to go to school to receive and amazing education and learn and grow every single day. I GET to play field hockey with my best friends and play a sport that I love. Rather than viewing school and field hockey merely as a responsibility and a task to complete each day -- I am focusing on shifting my mindset. Learning is a gift and it is such a beautiful thing. As humans, we will never stop learning. However, we will not be in school forever -- so I am going to take advantage of this time and learn the balance of completing my work to the best of my abilities but not over doing it and making myself crazy. You grades or performance in the gym or on the field do not reflect who you are as a person. Work hard, but do not let school or sports or work restrict you from living your life to its potential. Rather, let it add to your life. School and field hockey are mental and physical challenges that help me to grow and evolve into the best version of myself everyday.

Restriction with my body: It is crazy for me to think that my body -- the body that allows me to hug the people I love the most, play field hockey and run many miles, swim and surf in the ocean, and experience life -- hold me back from living life. And I know this isn't just me. So many of us miss out on so many pure moments in life because of how we perceive our bodies. For some ridiculous and sad reason, society has led us to believe that being smaller or looking a certain way will make us happy. But this is the opposite of the truth. Your body is a gift. It is a gift that is sacred and unique to you as a human. It houses your heart and your soul. It fuels your brain and allows you to express yourself in so many ways. Do not let your body stop you. Do not let your body be the reason that you miss out on so many amazing things in the one short life you were gifted with. You cannot hate your body into something you love. The best experiences in life have NOTHING to do with the way you look. Stop worrying about what other people may think of you because it IS A WHOLE BUNCH OF BS.

Do whatever you want -- do whatever works best for you. Let your body be at its natural state. Value what you believe in and don't restrict yourself because you fear what other people think of you. Quite honestly, everyone is way more concerned with themselves than with what you are doing or what you look like.

Stop surviving and start thriving. Life life the way you want to life it -- even if it doesn't make sense to other people. Restriction is never the answer my people.